Keep it clean, people. Keep it clean.
So today I would like to admit that I'm an addict.
That's right, I, Nina Rudolph, am addicted to showers.
Ah, sweet showers. Is there a place more magical than thee? Thy soft warmth wraps around me. So pure. So fresh. Thy steam carries my worries away. Why art thou so dreamy? May thou please take my hand in marriage?
Woah. What was that?
Sorry for going Shakespeare on you there. And did I just ask my shower to marry me?
Well anyway, this post goes out to showers.
Am I the only one who is absolutely obsessed with them? I don't think I am or at least I hope I'm not the only one because that would make this whole thing a little awkward.
So, if you love your shower and wouldn't mind marrying it, don't worry! You're not the only crazy one out there. And besides if a whole bunch of people like the same crazy thing, it's not that crazy anymore, is it?
However, if you're holding the phone and about to call the crazy house on me, don't just yet! Because after you read this, you'll still think I'm crazy, but you'll also realize that I'm on to something with the whole shower thing.(and besides, is this really the weirdest thing I've talked about? I don't think so and you're still here)
But let's start right from the beginning.
I was feeling horrible about myself and pretty much everything else a few days ago. At the time I thought it was because I had gone for a jog that day. Now I realize that it might have been because I had spent the entire winter break wasting my time on the Internet and eating Christmas chocolates before going for that jog. Maybe. So, feeling horrible and, because of my jog, smelly as well, I decided to take a shower, which gave me the idea to write this post. Because afterwards, it was like I had been reborn and suddenly felt like I could find a cure for cancer, stop hunger in Africa, and find life on Mars all at the same time.
Well, I might have exaggerated a little bit there, but you get the point. I felt pretty damn good. Which is why I have created the ultimate guide to taking the ultimate shower to prove to all of you that showers are, in fact, magical and that I'm not crazy, and that you can cancel the order you just made for a straitjacket.
By the way I'm a size small. Or a medium when I'm a little bloated.
Don't ask how I know that.
But now your guide to a wonderful shower.
Step 1: sit around all day eating junk food and feeling bad about your self.
Step 2: eat some more food while sitting around at the computer.
Step 3: once you feel like throwing up when you look at yourself in the mirror, you're ready for the actual shower. If you don't think your appearance is repulsive, keep eating. If you actually like what you see in the mirror, there's no hope for you; go join the other self confident bitches somewhere out of my sight.
Step 4: get in the shower and turn on the water to nice and hot
Step 5: while washing your hair, begin to cry about your life if you haven't already started.
Step 6: sing Adele until you feel better about yourself.
Step 7: cry about your horrible singing voice. If you like your voice, the self confident bitches are waiting for you.
Step 8: Now, sing some Ke$ha songs and smile because you're a better singer than her. Don't worry, anyone can sing better than Ke$ha, even you.
Step 9: reflect on your life and think about deep things like the origin of life and the universe.
Step 10: once you're nice and clean, dry off and wrap yourself in a nice big towel.
Step 11: pretend your towel is a designer gown and strut your stuff around your room.
Step 12: make funny faces at yourself in the mirror and dance around like a lunatic. If you see the neighbors looking at you funny through the window, you're doing it right. If they actually come over to express their concern because of your seizure-like dance moves, you get bonus points.
Step 13: smile at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful.
Because you are.
And that's my guide to taking the ultimate shower.
Your slightly insane but always entertaining and informative shower guru,